My mom died Monday of this week, Jan the 17th, today is the 22nd. So much has happened over the last few days.
Dixie Lynn Breeden
I’ve just read over my previous blogs and I find myself blogging again, again I’m emotionally awake and feeling. It’s so sad that it takes these kinds of events to wake me emotionally. I know I’m a damaged human, when I’m here in my head I know just how damaged I am.
I followed my mom’s wishes as close as I could, in 1980 when she and Dad left to spend a few years in Egypt she told me her wishes in case she died. Her wishes have been unchanged all these years. Honestly it was my daughter who guided us back to mom’s wishes, there was pressure from outside the immediate family to do some things mom didn’t want, Lisa brought us back on course and got me centered again on what mom wanted; thank you kiddo; I couldn’t have gotten through the last few days without you there.
Dad was dad, he showed little emotion; you could see he simply wanted this to be over. He has been a full time caretaker of my mom for at least a decade. His life became fully about hers; about taking care of her; about doing whatever was needed for her. She was hard on him through much of it; very demanding of him; very impatient with him. Her fear, frustrations and pain were taken out on him as she had nowhere else to vent them. He understood this and he accepted it; in his eyes he still saw the 16 year old girl who had stolen his heart.
Mom died a slow painful death; her dignity; her independence; her vitality, her mind all stolen from her as she slipped slowly down the slope towards death. We all thought we were prepared for it yet no one truly was.
Mom… I love you, I miss you already, knowing you won’t be there on the phone when I call home is tearing me apart. There was a magnificent sunset the evening of your memorial; the sky was ablaze in orange, the clouds bringing depth and contrast to the color behind. I knew looking at it you had a hand in it, that although it was there for all it was special just for me.
-Neil
